“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw