huge if true: the moon
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wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.