Huge, if true.
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*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.