Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Hero horse inspires millions
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now