Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My blood type is coffee.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.