Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

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Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.


I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.


*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!


until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity


[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”


Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna


Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.


WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit


ME: I said, nice squid


Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.