Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht