Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”