@NikiWithIssues
@AimeeHelene1 Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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@AimeeHelene1 
@LauraBenanti I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
@bruinsphan_24 *jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
@kevinthedad until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
@withanewname [my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
@KentWGraham If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
@seamussaid Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
@13spencer [Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
@Reverend_Scott WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
@TheDjinnTrials Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.