Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
The fall of Netflix
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My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen