huge valentines day plans this year!!
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these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”