“Huge”.
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jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really