[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
How animals would run if they were human
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture