Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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Nice try, NASA
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science