Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Awesome parenting 😂
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with