Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The Sun
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.