when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
me: alcohol u tomorrow