@Tommytoughstuff

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

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@abbygov

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

@ronnui_

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

@Aspersioncast

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

@dshack8

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

@yoyoha

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

@offbeatoliv

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

@clichedout

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow