Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Before & after 😅
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it