*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.