HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
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Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”