HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
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for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
yeah 😭
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…