Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Stick it to the man
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Google assistant rules
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing