Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.