Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.