Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.