@mondaypunday

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

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@runawaycupcake

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

@DanglesTV2

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@theNuzzy

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

@Smooheed

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

@DrLickenstein

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

@drearydoug

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

@trevso_electric

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

@PebblesHooper

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.