Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Life cycle of cat
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch