Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
oh you wanna fight?!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
When you try jalapeños for the first time
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.