Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
asking santa clause for nudes
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
#JohnTravolta
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.