Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking