humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
#parenting
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger