Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
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You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My inexpensive home security system…
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”