humans only use 10% of their treadmills
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80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
No, he would not have.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?