Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.