Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk