Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
adding to the discourse
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life