humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.