Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now