Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Sounds like a bargain
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”