@olievl

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

You Might Also Like

@rachiecandice

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

@Marlebean

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

@TheBoydP

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

@shadygrenade

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

@wolfpupy

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

@omically

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

@CodeineFridge

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

@amydillon

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

@cambuslad

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.