Humor: the only thing I like dry.

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Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.


Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.


If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.


Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.


You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.


ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about


*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*


i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them


OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.


You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.