*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
repaired
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Every time.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.