@ericsshadow

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

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@feelmesucka

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

@Elizacal

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

@MelKassel

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

@lloydrang

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

@1Happytwit

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

@BuckyIsotope

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

@BradBroaddus

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

@LuckoftheDraw86

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

@CherBear162

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!