HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Never let them know your next move 😂
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀