Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights