@RickAaron

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

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@RocketRankoon

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

@chaesoberrie

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

@Shariv67

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@KeetPotato

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

@david8hughes

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]