Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
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next question.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
This could be us but you eatin’
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
me, too, girl. me, too.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.