hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.