Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
You Might Also Like
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
If you know, you know
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
This could be us… but you playing
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .