Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume