Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Time for evil
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.