[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her