[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Shower sex be like:
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I will never stop laughing at this
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.