Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
some things should go without saying
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes