Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?