Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”