Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.