[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
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we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist