husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*