Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
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Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.