Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
and this one
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…