Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.